Festivities in Autism

I need a reason for self-care. Without a reason, pleasurable self-care takes the place of forced hygienic labor. In short, necessity.

I need to be in the right place to celebrate or else.

Today I declined an hairdresser appointment.
I do things for a purpose only. 
Besides, I look good long haired, it s more about renewal, hence better after the  ‘commercial festivities’.

These are the most difficult days for me.
I just want to be with my wife.

Ironically, we booked the hairdresser together.
She wouldn’t cancel despite my pleas resulting in a two hours waiting for her to come home.

I feel guilty and scared.
Tomorrow is her birthday.
I bought her a present, can’t wait for tomorrow.

But today is dreadful.
I hope she’ll relax to the hairdresser who’s also her friend.
Maybe I did the right thing not to go.

Coming to my senses. We’ll go together next month and relax.

One thing at a time: tomorrow we’ll go dining out.
With neat long hair.

Matching boundaries.



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Fear reflection/Christmas

Festivities are always hard on autists. In particular, Christian festivals.

It’s no surprise that holidays are overwhelming for autists.

I’m scared of Christmas.

I miss home and the balmy Mediterranean weather.
Christmas 2019 is my last happy memory before Covid hit.

The world will never be like before again.
This pandemic literally changed everything, from people to politics.

My only consolation is hearing from happy people, although Christmas is just spiritual to me and devastating.

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Christmas confusion

Consequences of Christmas stress on autists.

It’s no surprise that holidays are overwhelming for autists.

Living in a non-Christian country as a Christian, Christmas takes the form of Confusion to me: I feel out of place, I can’t get organized, I get depressed, homesick…

These are also the shortest days of the year with sunset at 4:30pm.
I always feel like running out of time.
Night is not made for work, biologically.

Self-care is a struggle too, like having an haircut still, I want to look tidy.
I like social. Even my wife is social: it’s not that looks don’t count anymore after marriage, lack of physical attraction is a guaranteed recipe for extra-marital affairs.

Self-care comes at a price: speaking from a man perspective, think the amount of time that shaving and showering takes daily!
Nowadays men spend as much as women in self-care.
We live in an image society, unfortunately.
Good looking people are more likely to be hired than more skilled ugly counterparts.

Sadly, people with mental disorders don’t fare very well in personal hygiene.

Anyway, this is not an article on aesthetics.
I debated the theme since a big means of communication is our body, the so-called ‘body language’.

Can you relate?
What’s your idea of confusion?

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Christmas and OCD

Political instability and increasing cost of life add to Christmas stress.

Christmas and another year, in business jargon ‘dead-ends’, everything but a soothing reminder.

I hoped till the last minute to make it to Europe.

Awareness setting in. 
God is not done with me yet.
At this stage I entrust fully to Him.
There is no time for God.

My resolution from now on is stop counting days and continue to build up my travel business.

God knows when my Time is right. 

We’ll have to change hygienic habits like daily showering between others.

Body wipes are just as effective.
Candles even romantic and relaxing.

Despite the autistic reputation for hating changes in routine, it seems that Neurotypicals are having the hardest times to let go of their daily routine.

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Advent season

 Feeling out of place.

This weekend we enter Advent Season.

I love Christmas but not in a Pagan country.

As usual, this will be the worst time of year to me.

I will argue with my wife for not going to Church.
I will argue for not being in my Christian country on the coast.
I will argue on New Year s Eve, insignificant to me.

Nothing will change until we go back to Europe.

Self-care is overwhelming, though I want to look neat.
I have to force myself in the shower. 

And thinking that shower is soothing for neurotypicals! 

Welcome to a month of hell.


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80’s

Dark times are mostly personal. We can experience darkness in the face of light still, acknowledging the moment s highs. A distressing battle between good and evil.

I read an article on the 80s, the decade I grew up in.
Despite being my darkest years, there s a big revival currently of the 80s, deemed the best post-WWII decade, economically and culturally.

I fully agree.

Music is an example, the greatest musicians thrived in the day, Cure, U2, Cult, Mission, Bauhaus, Madonna, David Bowie, Kate Bush, Enya, the list is endless.

I craved going to concerts and clubs.
I wasn’t aware of my autism back then.
I suffered enormously for not being able to attend.

But enough regretting.
I’m now diagnosed and more confident.

I’m proud to be an 80s kid 40 years later!

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Reminiscences

Reminiscences are afterthoughts of memories. In most cases they are of traumatic origin.

Reminiscences are deep memories that leave a mark, either good or bad.

Memories come and go at any time.

Reminiscences are mostly common from mid-life and stored permanently.
That explains why the elderly better recall the past vs the present.

Another way to look at it, is seeing reminiscences as an afterthought of memories.

It’s virtually unlikely having reminiscences in our teens, those would account for trauma.

Trauma must be treated accordingly thus belonging to an independent category of mental illness, most likely PTSD.

Reminiscing is not a mental disorder.
We all do past 40/50.

I reminisce the late musician David Bowie who passed in 2016 at 69.
I grew up with his music in the 80s.
He s deemed the most influential glam-rock artist of the 70/80s.
His legacy will never end.
There are hundreds fan-groups dedicated to him on all social networks.

Up until his death, I had beautiful memories of his.
After his death, those memories turned into sad reminiscences.

I question myself if it is correct to make departed celebrities live eternally on this earth…
David Bowie withdrew from the public sphere long before his death in 2004 at 57.
He stated of wanting to spend his last years with his family.
He had not stopped touring since the 70s.
He gave enough, he desired some time alone.

In his last track ‘Lazarus’, he sings 

 ♪Look up here, I m in Heaven, everybody knows me now!

Could it mean: “Remember me in Heaven!”…….

R.I.P Starman


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