Standpoints vs Defensiveness

Conflict-avoidance reverses Anger to Validation.

I’ve been talking a lot about Triggers and Defensiveness.

It is clear that Defensiveness is a byproduct of Anger. Some psychiatrists see Defensiveness and Anger as a single emotion.

Counter-validating is not giving up your standpoints, it’s a way of avoiding triggers as part of Anger management.
We can keep Anger at bay, but NOT erasing it.
We can turn Anger to our Wellbeing and Validation.

It is possible with time.

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Envy or Anger

Anger can take many forms, although it is oftentimes the result of trauma and abuse.

Anger is very individual.

To me, it s primarily Envy and Regret.

I regret growing up in the 80s when teachers didn’t have any mental-health training to recognise Autism and ADHD. 

I envy today’s children who are identified with learning disabilities in early life and put on special-needs education.

Back in the day, you were put on abuse….

I’ll never forget the trauma my entire life.


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Initiative / follow up

Gaining trust is challenging for neurodivergents. We are often misunderstood. It is vital setting boundaries and responsibilities in relationships between neurotypicals and neurodivergents.

My wife often tells me that I shout.
It’s not shouting for me but mirroring emotions.

I’ve been shouted at all my life.

I never get emotional with the purpose of offending.
Raising the voice is my means of protection.
My mother-in-law always shouts to my wife and I reply accordingly.

However, my wife doesn’t want me to get involved.

So here’s what happened today :
We go shopping-hate it but necessary- and I make the list as usual. 
I’m good at making lists.

Once we arrive at the mall and take the basket from the car, I spot my mother-in-law s basket and get emotional by saying “Why didn’t you tell me we have to do the shopping for your mother?!” 
Her mother loves shopping… 
“Because we were going!”

We spent an extra hour shopping, consequently.

Arrived home, I collect the laundry since it was threatening rain: “It s still wet!” Emotional again: “But it’ll rain soon! I want to dispose of the laundry! Why can’t I?!” 
“Because you shout!”

I meant “Hurry, it will rain soon!”

From today, I decided not to do things on my own initiative.

I’ll leave it to you to comment.
No offence will be taken. 

I feel downgraded for my diversity.

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Initiative

It’s best for neurodivergents to let trusted people do the first step. 

Yesterday I relaxed with my wife after an emotional weekend.

You’ll remember my resolution of avoiding to start tasks on my own.
→  ASD/ADHD vs Neurotypical Standards

The logic is, if my wife takes the initiative, I will comply without debates.
I’m anti-conflict by nature. 

I confess, it s not easy to keep the mouth shut.
Even more being passive.
After all, I am the neurodivergent.

I don’t suggest anymore what to eat, what to watch, etc.
I didn’t collect the laundry tonight like before, I ll help if she asks.
And most importantly, she won’t complain that it s still wet.

If marriage is compromising, even more so a neurodivergent one.


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  ASD/ADHD vs Neurotypical Standards

We are all unique and worthy. That can lead to confrontation. However, we can change confrontation to peaceful resolution with a funny sense of humor.

So I’ve been told I m not good at house-chores by my wife: men and women have different standards in house-chores.

Laundry is one of mine, a time-dependent chore.
I collect the laundry before sunset no matter what.
Besides, clothes don’t get any drier once the sun goes down and humidity up in Asia.

I proceed with folding the garments and put them in the drawers. My wife argues I should hang them indoors…no way I’m going to transform my room in a terrace! 

Who’s right or wrong?

I can’t discern from an autistic standpoint, I m eager to hear your thoughts.

I would like to hear from men and women together for an impartial opinion.

“I told you so” welcome, no offense intended, lol.

Who said autistics have no sense of humor?
Let’s have some fun, friends!



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Abuse coping in ASD/ADHD

There are anti-bullying techniques. Do not underestimate yourself.

The Autonomous Nervous System is composed by the Sympathetic and Parasympathetic Systems which literally FIGHT with each-other in Autism, whereas they BALANCE each-other in Neuro Normal Merit Standards.

The ‘Fight or Flee Sympathetic effect’ is predominant in Autism.
There’s little the Parasympathetic System can do once we’re upset.
Avoiding triggers is the option of choice.

What can we do when abused verbally?
The obvious answer would be ‘let go’…
How if we are already triggered?

Counter-validating: acknowledging the abuser.
What sounds bad for you, can be rewarding for them.
Bullies look for reward, play their game and disarm them.

This way, there’s no need to be defensive and they will be displaced.
In turn, they will acknowledge your standpoint.
A win-win tactic.

I’m working on that.

You can do it.

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Autistic overloads

Autistics are often misunderstood. That can lead to verbal abuse and meltdown. 

Most of the time, we just want to be heard. Listening without judgement takes time and effort though it abates conflict.

I suffer for others and I am misunderstood for that.
People think I want to be always in control.
It’s my way of prioritizing, I am confident with it.

I don’t like acting on instinct, if I know that I can do something on a better time, I opt to postpone.

People would get mad at me. 
In turn, I get mad. 

I want to be left alone when panicking. 
People would scold at me more instead, thinking to help.

We want to protect you! 
Don’t counterattack and we ll cool in few minutes!
We understand when people are distressed.

That will only add insult, resulting in rocking, mourning and undue sedation.

Respect Autistic Boundaries.

Our boundaries are different. 
In fact, I wouldn’t talk of boundaries but triggers.

I’m an extremely calm, patient, sociable, altruistic person. 

Only a handful of triggers can cause me to dissociate, like impulsiveness, lack of planning, change in routine still, I can adjust in due time and understanding.



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Autistic Triggers

Triggers are the precursors of Anger.

Anger is the first reaction to disappointment.

Yesterday I was very disappointed.
However, I’m well aware of the uselessness of anger.
Why do we get angry?
Anger is a Sympathetic Nervous System’ s reaction to stress and Triggers.
Triggers-Stress-Sympathetic Nervous System.
The bad news is that the Sympathetic Nervous System is Autonomous, meaning we have no control over it. 
The good news is that Triggers can be avoided.

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