Cry for help

Attempted suicides are Cries for help. Perpetrators don’t want to die, they want to be heard. It is important to recognize the signs.

How many times we desperately reach-out to hotlines and charities for help.
Whether our desperate thoughts are taken into consideration or not, the sole reaching out to organizations outside the family, is the first sign that the family is not listening to our voices.
A Cry for Help.

Determined Suicides don’t reach-out.
We must reach-out to them.
A person experiencing severe life-events yet acting nonchalantly, indicates a loss of interest in life.

Mania is typically associated to Bipolar Disorder, whereas everybody can go into a manic state under pressure.

I have the utmost respect for hotlines and charity workers, although they don’t have any authority over institutions, they can only offer advice.
Callers want action, therefore these services can add more frustration than relief to severely distressed sufferers.

Hospitalization is the last option.
Unfortunately, this category of people is not fond of hospitals.
They frantically continue to reach-out to no avail.
This is a trait of Mania.
Delusion is the last stage before Self-harm as in Cry for Help.
People who overdose, typically call an ambulance when they start to drift off.
Not always, help arrives on time.


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Resilience in Autism

Distances are not easy to manage. If technology is not your forte, they can become even more triggering.

Sad day.

Brother’s birthday who lives far away.

I must arrange a Skype session in different time-zones.

I suffer for my neighbor.
I’m panicking right now.
A tornado is approaching to make things worse. 

I’m considering whether to call my wife at work or my local helpline.
I’m not very fond of helplines, though I respect the work they do.

My wife comes in an hour, I’ll opt for chronicling after all.
Journaling is very effective in confronting fears.
Oh, wife arrived soon!
We’re going to set Skype, I’m good at humanities while a tech-crook.
I get very emotional talking to my brother, he’s “low-functioning autistic” and institutionalized, though I despise that bigoted populist ideology.


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Homesickness

Medication is indispensable to me in the current circumstances.

I hate waiting.
It’s an almost imposed, consuming rule that we have little control over.
I always want to be in control of myself.
I’m waiting to go home, possibly the worst consuming wait.
I feel like in exile. A prisoner.

I took one Seroquel today to calm down, instead messed up with my ADHD medication.
My attention is all over the place. 

I’ll mention the bad interaction to my psychiatrist next month.
Even modifying meds is a major challenge to me.
I do very bad on antipsychotics.
Self-medicating is one of my compulsions, I m overly biological oriented and supportive of the ‘fast kick in’ largely compelled by ADHD.
I tried CBT to no avail.

I’m extremely territorial, the ideal location is medicinal to me. 
I’m resolute to go med-free at home. 

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Festivities in Autism

I need a reason for self-care. Without a reason, pleasurable self-care takes the place of forced hygienic labor. In short, necessity.

I need to be in the right place to celebrate or else.

Today I declined an hairdresser appointment.
I do things for a purpose only. 
Besides, I look good long haired, it s more about renewal, hence better after the  ‘commercial festivities’.

These are the most difficult days for me.
I just want to be with my wife.

Ironically, we booked the hairdresser together.
She wouldn’t cancel despite my pleas resulting in a two hours waiting for her to come home.

I feel guilty and scared.
Tomorrow is her birthday.
I bought her a present, can’t wait for tomorrow.

But today is dreadful.
I hope she’ll relax to the hairdresser who’s also her friend.
Maybe I did the right thing not to go.

Coming to my senses. We’ll go together next month and relax.

One thing at a time: tomorrow we’ll go dining out.
With neat long hair.

Matching boundaries.



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Christmas confusion

Consequences of Christmas stress on autists.

It’s no surprise that holidays are overwhelming for autists.

Living in a non-Christian country as a Christian, Christmas takes the form of Confusion to me: I feel out of place, I can’t get organized, I get depressed, homesick…

These are also the shortest days of the year with sunset at 4:30pm.
I always feel like running out of time.
Night is not made for work, biologically.

Self-care is a struggle too, like having an haircut still, I want to look tidy.
I like social. Even my wife is social: it’s not that looks don’t count anymore after marriage, lack of physical attraction is a guaranteed recipe for extra-marital affairs.

Self-care comes at a price: speaking from a man perspective, think the amount of time that shaving and showering takes daily!
Nowadays men spend as much as women in self-care.
We live in an image society, unfortunately.
Good looking people are more likely to be hired than more skilled ugly counterparts.

Sadly, people with mental disorders don’t fare very well in personal hygiene.

Anyway, this is not an article on aesthetics.
I debated the theme since a big means of communication is our body, the so-called ‘body language’.

Can you relate?
What’s your idea of confusion?

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80’s

Dark times are mostly personal. We can experience darkness in the face of light still, acknowledging the moment s highs. A distressing battle between good and evil.

I read an article on the 80s, the decade I grew up in.
Despite being my darkest years, there s a big revival currently of the 80s, deemed the best post-WWII decade, economically and culturally.

I fully agree.

Music is an example, the greatest musicians thrived in the day, Cure, U2, Cult, Mission, Bauhaus, Madonna, David Bowie, Kate Bush, Enya, the list is endless.

I craved going to concerts and clubs.
I wasn’t aware of my autism back then.
I suffered enormously for not being able to attend.

But enough regretting.
I’m now diagnosed and more confident.

I’m proud to be an 80s kid 40 years later!

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Reminiscences

Reminiscences are afterthoughts of memories. In most cases they are of traumatic origin.

Reminiscences are deep memories that leave a mark, either good or bad.

Memories come and go at any time.

Reminiscences are mostly common from mid-life and stored permanently.
That explains why the elderly better recall the past vs the present.

Another way to look at it, is seeing reminiscences as an afterthought of memories.

It’s virtually unlikely having reminiscences in our teens, those would account for trauma.

Trauma must be treated accordingly thus belonging to an independent category of mental illness, most likely PTSD.

Reminiscing is not a mental disorder.
We all do past 40/50.

I reminisce the late musician David Bowie who passed in 2016 at 69.
I grew up with his music in the 80s.
He s deemed the most influential glam-rock artist of the 70/80s.
His legacy will never end.
There are hundreds fan-groups dedicated to him on all social networks.

Up until his death, I had beautiful memories of his.
After his death, those memories turned into sad reminiscences.

I question myself if it is correct to make departed celebrities live eternally on this earth…
David Bowie withdrew from the public sphere long before his death in 2004 at 57.
He stated of wanting to spend his last years with his family.
He had not stopped touring since the 70s.
He gave enough, he desired some time alone.

In his last track ‘Lazarus’, he sings 

 ♪Look up here, I m in Heaven, everybody knows me now!

Could it mean: “Remember me in Heaven!”…….

R.I.P Starman


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Compensation in Autism

You can reclaim your youth anytime.

The 80s were my childhood years, how cool they were yet not being able to make the most of them: little to nothing was known of Autism/ADHD back then, at least in the school system.

But music helped me.
Although clubs and concerts could be overwhelming, I transformed my room in a state-of-the-art discotheque complete with mixer and psychedelic lights.
I’m not sure of the neighbors response, I didn’t budget on the volume still, they occasionally visited my home-studio.

I became kinda deejay celebrity in my neighborhood.

Despite my particular taste for Glam/Goth rock with David Bowie as role-model, I never refused guests’ requests and they always left happy.

I feel like going clubbing without fear now.
I may be up to something.

I’m not manic, I just want to reclaim my lost youth.

God loves me and knows when the most suitable time for me is. 

Age has lost its societal definition in the digital era.

Bowie said in one of his last interviews that the digital age has just landed, he passed in 2016 ndr… he would be 76 today and had no intention to retire.
I’m sure God wanted him badly. He s believed to have formally converted just days before dying. All his songs contain references to God.
There’s plenty of testimonies on the therapeutic properties of his music.
He was the Mozart of rock.

This whole article is to highlight the autistic ability to carve their alternative compensating spaces.

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Time in ADHD

Eternity is how the ADHD brain lives up to the Time. 

God created the Universe and humankind in the form of Man and Woman. He connected us to Light and Darkness through the Circadian rhythm, daylight to keep us awake, night-darkness to rest. We created Time, He created Eternity. Does Time exist in Eternity? Eternity is how the ADHD brain lives up to the Time. Like Autism, are we talking of Neurodivergence or Disability? The Church teaches that switching the day for night deliberately is going against God s Design. On the other side, those who work at night for the good of others- emergency workers, hospital staff…- have a special place in the heart of Jesus.
When Science and Faith meet.

Time is my worst nightmare.
Time-management is the main obstacle in ADHD.
Practically, there is no Time for ADHDERS.
Pressure is the definition of Time in ADHD.
Sufferers take actions under pressure, a contributing factor to hyperactivity and quick response.
While this is an advantage in emergency situations, it doesn’t work in organizational strategies. 
Organizing requires Calmness and Thinking, which are time-dependent in nature.
Without medication, ADHDERS hardly stay calm. 

‘To-do lists’ don’t work for me, the stereotypical therapeutic model for ADHD.
I remember my schedules.
Motivation and Reward are my driving tools in addition to stimulant medication.
Journaling is my daily Reward and Relaxation.
I look forward to Journaling, my Sympathetic Nervous System reminds me, no need for lists.
I  ‘appoint’ on my agenda dreaded deadlines only.
As the name implies, Deadlines are always a burden to all, yet inevitable and often forgettable.
To say, everybody suffers from ADHD to a certain degree.

That said, my way of coping with Deadlines is dissecting them into Lines, dedicating a small portion of time every day to them in a monthly format, in so doing, removing the “deadly” component.




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Passion vs Obsession

The stigma wants that all autistics think the same. That is correct as in the way we think, though most of us have one specific field of expertise, what Mental Health professionals refer to as  ‘One-way neuronal pattern’.

A blessed new week to all.
I hope…

As you know, I’m still stuck in the weekend on Monday.
As I’m still stuck in the weekdays on Saturday.
Change in routine is definitely an issue in Autism…

Today I’m thinking of a name for my channel.
Ideas are plentiful, but you can’t imagine the unavailable titles! Or is it that all autistics think the same?! 
Well, it is known that Aspergers tend to obsess on a specific subject, David Bowie in my case. His music speaks to me, literally. And I m not alone apparently…

So this is going to be a musical blog I guess.
How does music impact your life?
I can’t live without it, I express myself through music.
There s a Bowie song for each state of mind of mine.
I grew up in the 80s with him.

I’ll continue my discussion on music and David Bowie.

First of all, I want to say that I m a Christian, meaning I don’t worship anybody outside God. I believe God speaks through people and art.

Bowie speaks to me.

However, I love all music.

As an 80s child, I was inevitably influenced by Bowie.

I identified in him and most of today s music means nothing to me. Now, don’t get me wrong: this is not a blog about Bowie, but how he impacted me.

You should know that Mental Illness ran in his family. In one of his lyrics, he sings ♪ I had so many breakthroughs! ♪

His life ran along mine. Bowie would only write from real experiences, from his tragic childhood to stardom and addictions in the 70s.
Although I wasn’t around in the 70s, I did extensive research.
I know pretty much everything on Bowie.

Are we talking of passion or obsession?
What s the difference?

Neurotypicals would talk of the former for themselves and the latter in Autism…but is it not the same???

Again, is Autism a kind of personality or illness?

What we know for sure, is that society values homogeneity and shuns diversity. Unless you’re an artist, ironically.

Bowie was called ‘the Master of transformation’! And sold millions of records!

That being the case , would debunk the whole ‘diversity theory’ for the ‘success theory’: if you re rich and famous, diversity is praised. If you’re poor and unproductive you’re shunned… and when I say “unproductive” I mean different, not lazy!
Laziness is unknown to autistics! Add the co-morbidity of ADHD with Autism and you ll notice immediately the discrepancy… have you ever seen a lazy ADHDer???

The reality is that many people still deem short attention-span as laziness.
Not to mention the 80s when teachers didn’t have any Mental Health training.
I endured all sorts of abuse at the hands of teachers!

But back to music. 
I apologize for the small outburst.

It is scientifically proven that music enhances memory and emotions.
So how does it affect autistics?

Writing in the rain.
The air is so saturated that my brain can’t get the right amount of oxygen.
I’m literally hyperventilating in order to stay focused for writing. My ADHD doesn’t help and so do meds.
I apologize in advance for any mistake.
I’ll discuss Weather and Autism in a separate blog.

Are passion and obsession ‘states of mind’?
They are to me.
And I don’t see anything wrong with it: I can listen to David Bowie all day.

That causes a lot of friction with my wife, a Bowie fan herself… needless to say that s an Obsession to her resulting in arguments.

The following is our stereotypical reaction:

　“What’s wrong with you? You like David Bowie!” Me
　“As far as it doesn’t become an obsession!” Wife
　“I love him! What do you mean by Obsession?” Me
　“A negative State of mind!” She
　“Like what???” Me
　“Loss of interest in different things!” She 

Reluctantly I change music for her benefit although not understanding what a ‘State of mind’ is to neurotypicals.

I’d like to hear from you.

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