Depression and happiness

Depression always follows my happiness. Or it could be that I don’t know happiness.

Living is a daily battle.
Happiness does exist though you must battle for it.
Worst of all, it’s never permanent and short-lived.
Would you call that ‘happiness’?
Something you know it will be followed by sadness.

Some will say “enjoy the moment”.
I’d rather say “enjoy life”.

I never experienced true happiness.
I’ve been looking for happiness all my life, to stand correct.

Does looking for happiness make me happy?
Only to a certain extent.
Dopamine outpourings are always followed by crashes.

That compels me to believe that happiness is an illusion.

Everything temporary is not happiness to me.

Only faith in God keeps me going.
He promised us eternal happiness though not in this life.

Why worrying then?
Stop worrying is happiness.

I feel sorry for atheists.
May God have mercy on them.
They are desperately searching.



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Fear reflection/Christmas

Festivities are always hard on autists. In particular, Christian festivals.

It’s no surprise that holidays are overwhelming for autists.

I’m scared of Christmas.

I miss home and the balmy Mediterranean weather.
Christmas 2019 is my last happy memory before Covid hit.

The world will never be like before again.
This pandemic literally changed everything, from people to politics.

My only consolation is hearing from happy people, although Christmas is just spiritual to me and devastating.

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Christmas and OCD

Political instability and increasing cost of life add to Christmas stress.

Christmas and another year, in business jargon ‘dead-ends’, everything but a soothing reminder.

I hoped till the last minute to make it to Europe.

Awareness setting in. 
God is not done with me yet.
At this stage I entrust fully to Him.
There is no time for God.

My resolution from now on is stop counting days and continue to build up my travel business.

God knows when my Time is right. 

We’ll have to change hygienic habits like daily showering between others.

Body wipes are just as effective.
Candles even romantic and relaxing.

Despite the autistic reputation for hating changes in routine, it seems that Neurotypicals are having the hardest times to let go of their daily routine.

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Advent season

 Feeling out of place.

This weekend we enter Advent Season.

I love Christmas but not in a Pagan country.

As usual, this will be the worst time of year to me.

I will argue with my wife for not going to Church.
I will argue for not being in my Christian country on the coast.
I will argue on New Year s Eve, insignificant to me.

Nothing will change until we go back to Europe.

Self-care is overwhelming, though I want to look neat.
I have to force myself in the shower. 

And thinking that shower is soothing for neurotypicals! 

Welcome to a month of hell.


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