Too much at stake

The aftermath of happy memories.

Too much at stake is a cry for help.
This week I have too much at stake.

It is possibly the worst state of mind to me: I feel out of touch, I can’t cope, I’m not able to multitask, I lack support and diversions, visual representations trigger me, sleep is not resting.

The Past sucks my happiness, I wish I could erase it permanently.
I dread memories since they belong to the past. The past is addictive like a recreational drug: the euphoria is always followed by crashing. Unfortunately, memories can’t be erased naturally.
I’m disassociating.

I knew it was going to happen. 

I couldn’t refrain from watching a documentary about my country in the hope of the euphoric reaction into bringing up happy memories.
It worked just fine while watching, only to be followed by unbearable nostalgia the next day.
I pretend to be there by detaching from reality.
It’s scary and draining.
My concentration swings dramatically between locations.

I can’t wait for the second episode tonight since it’s a five episode’ series.
It will be a spark of adrenaline and excitement, a temporary relief, an addiction.
The nostalgia will keep building up.
It will be a miserable week.

I have no options: my neurotypical wife loves my country and wants to watch with me in the capacity of commentator.
A typical example of co-dependency.I know how she craves Europe.

How long will it take for me to recover?
I m lucky to see my psychiatrist next week, that will help some…
Disassociating is not the solution.

Again, my dear autistic friends, choose carefully which means of entertainment work best for you.

And most importantly, keep in mind that adrenaline rushes are always followed by the deepest crashes.

It doesn’t pay off.